Fair
by codexfawkes
Summary: River answers some burning questions. "You know things 'bout all of us we wouldn't never a told you. And to my way a thinkin that ain't fair."


Fair

By CodexFawkes

A Firefly Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own nothing, Joss is boss. Also for those of you who find all the Dollhouse shout outs you get a piece of imginary cake. Hint there are six total, I'm also counting the use of a specfic name multiple times as one.

The crew of Serenity sat around the kitchen table enjoying a rare dessert of fresh fruit when Jayne leaned back in his chair and locked his gaze on River. "Something on your mind Jayne?" she asked raising an eyebrow at his inspection. "Like you don't know." He scoffed turning away from her. "You have a problem with me then just say it." River said raising her chin a notch. "Alright, you wanna hear it out loud _fine_." Jayne returned turning to face her again. "Jayne." Mal began in a warning tone. "I'm thinkin it ain't fair. You know things 'bout all of us we wouldn't never a told you. And to my way a thinkin _that_ ain't fair. You got all a us at a disadvantage little girl." Jayne told her as if Mal hadn't spoken. "That ain't fair, it ain't like she can help it!" Kaylee exclaimed frowning at him. "You want to even the playing field? Fine we'll just head to the infirmary and I'll start removing bits of _your_ brain." Simon snarled. Jayne opened his mouth to defend himself only to be cut off by River. "You're right, as much as I wish it were otherwise I can't help but know things about all of you. Things I'm sure you _wouldn't _have told me on your own. _So_ consider tonight a free pass. You each get one question, I'll answer it openly and honestly." River offered.

"Mei mei, you don't have to do this." Inara told her. "_Yes_, I do. Because Jayne isn't the only one to have those thoughts. I will caution you all though, I will be _completely and totally honest_ in my answers so be very sure you _truly_ want to know before you ask." River replied. Silence fell over the table as they all took in her words. Simon looked over at his sister and she nodded at him. "What _do_ you remember about the Academy?" he asked.

"I remember it wasn't all bad. The first year in fact I truly enjoyed myself. I got to spread my wings and indulge myself in ways I'd never been allowed before. For the first time I was able to design my own schooling. I chose what classes I took, I moved at my own pace often studying multiple subjects at once and I still had time to dance. I noticed little things, inconsistencies and such that made my instincts rumble but I just pushed it away. I could do that then. I also wasn't a reader, not like I am now. I was technically what would be called an empath. I could sense emotions, feels what others were feeling, _knew_ if they were lying. Most people never realized the extent of my abilities, though I _was_ known for being intuitive. Even in a school full of geniuses, most of whom had some type of psychic ability, I still outshone my class mates. There were others, older than myself who I'd notice were missing only to be told they had graduated to the advanced program on another campus. This was of course a lie. They were actually in the underground complex that housed the true purpose of the Academy. The hidden lower levels were labs and training facilities where a new generation of Operative was supposed to be created. I wasn't merely supposed to be an assassin, I was literally to be their doll to dress up how they wished and used for their own purposes. In the end my family was never to know the difference." River told them.

"I think we would have noticed if you just never came home." Simon disagreed. "That wasn't their goal, to keep my away from you forever. Only my mind was to be their prisoner, not my body. Not really anyway. They didn't want to make me a mindless automaton, to use my genius only to do the occasional high level mission would have been wasteful. No the ultimate goal was for me to become my best, to attain as close to perfection as any human can. The human body is a machine. They gave mine an upgrade. My metabolism was fine tuned to maintain perfect weight, my muscles crafted through manipulation to maintain peak physical perfection. My lung capacity, eyesight, hearing all enhanced. They used medical intervention to teach my brain and muscles the collective combat and weapons skills of fifty lifetimes in less than a year. Subliminals were used to imprint the ability to mimic accents, employ tactics that would make the most decorated veterans look like children playing soldier, to utilize seduction skills that would make the greatest companions in the verse weep with the perfection of it. They trained my body to perform any sexual act necessary to complete any mission where seduction would be the best tool to complete the job."

" They took my natural psychic ability and they enhanced that too, opened the flood gates and made me a true reader. The ultimate goal Simon was to create the perfect Alliance tool. A renowned scientist and humanitarian that could help solve the verse's problems. A trophy they could put in the spot light as a triumph of all that is good and right about the all mighty Alliance. You'd have gotten back a well educated poised sister, a better more mature version of the little sister who went away to school and you never would have known that on the inside there was a weapon waiting. By a simple command I would be activated, imprinted with a mission to fulfill and protocol to follow. When the mission was complete I would return home and the switch would be reset back to the original. Even I wouldn't have known what I'd done. What they didn't realize is that their vaulted technology wasn't nearly as good as they thought it was. Turns out they killed the original scientist off too soon, he never perfected the program." River continued.

"The original scientist?" Mal asked. "Yes, you see it wasn't the government that created the program. There is a branch of Blue Sun that is dedicated to medical research, that's why all the most advanced drugs come from that company. Blue Sun is the money behind the academy. Originally there was a scientist named Topher who was researching neurological disorders. He did some amazing work on senility and mental trauma, helped a lot of people. He became what I would call obsessed with the idea of making people better. Of using genetics and technology to make a better brand of person. To make people impervious to disease, to keep us healthy no matter what crappy food we ate or junk we drank. To eliminate eyesight problems, or hearing issues. To make our bodies optimized, perfectly balanced machines. He designed how to do it, it works no brain altering needed."

" Then he started thinking once the outside was all spiffed up, what about our minds. What if he could eradicate mental illness in all forms. If he could reprogram people to stop us from being aggressive and fighting over things like religious or political beliefs. What if he could make everyone smarter, calmer, happier. It was his research and theories that got the government on board, that gave Blue Sun the approval of Parliament to go ahead with his project. Except he couldn't make it work. So he designed a drug to calm people as a preliminary measure. While his underlings were testing it on the hapless victims on Miranda, Topher was working on his neural stripping and subliminal imprinting process. His initial attempts were utter failures. Eventually he came to the theory that to fine tune the process he would need the best possible brains. The best of the best, the genius minds that so overshadow others. Psychic ability he said, was more prevalent in geniuses because more parts of our brains were active than in the average person. Just as he was coming to these conclusions the effects of the PAX was discovered. A cover-up ensued including the untimely death of Dr. Topher." River related.

"Good riddens." Kaylee commented darkly. "Yes well, his replacement Dr. Mathias was worse. Topher wanted to help people, true his methods were criminal to say the least but his motives were unselfish. Dr. Matthias was nothing more than a stooge. A yes man who never questioned the need for super soldiers or the ethics of human experimentation without consent. One thing I will credit Topher with is all of his subjects volunteered, knew the risk of death. I was given no such disclaimer." River said. "Anyway like I said the process wasn't ready, it didn't work. When the Academy students started having our brains played with we were first made well crazy, the subliminals made our minds unstable just like you all first knew me. Something that was supposed to be temporary. The idea was to break down the original personality of the subject, build the weapon over it and then recreate a better version of the original over the weapon. The end result of course being loyal citizen who spent their days working for a better verse who at the right moment would become the most perfect solider imaginable. A totally controlled, psychic assassin who could speak any dialect of any language, knew every local custom for every rock in the alliance and could blend into any crowd, eliminate any threat, solve any problem and never leave a trace."

"But like I said, it wasn't ready. I was the only one whose mind didn't overload and shut down from the process. All the others, well first they went mad and then their brains just shut down. They called it cascade failure, one part of the brain would flare and die and everything else followed in short order. Like water off the edge of cliff. In the end it was the same strength that enabled my brain to withstand the overload that sealed my fate. Mine didn't fail, in fact the truth is I fought them tooth and nail. Resisted the subliminals, broke every bit of programing that they embedded in my mind. Until they felt they had no choice but to eliminate my ability to block what they were doing. So the surgeries started. Bit by bit they removed my amygdala until I couldn't block them out anymore. Then they made me crazy. So all those times I babbled about needles in my eyes, or things crawling under my skin, or screaming about being cut into. That wasn't me being crazy, that was me reliving what they did to me. I felt it all, I couldn't not. So to answer your question Simon I remember _all of it_. Some of it's real, some of it's made up, some of it can't be quantified and some of it isn't mine. But it all happened and I remember _every second_." River told him her voice low.

Simon paled at his sisters words, his hands on the table clenched into fists. Kaylee had silent tears running down her cheeks as did Inara. Zoe stared stoically at the table, while Mal closed his eyes his jaw twitching with suppressed anger and rage at what had been done to his young pilot. Hearing even the abbreviated version of her story filled him with the desire to blow the academy and those involved off the face of every world spinning. He'd known it was bad, just never knew the extent of the ways they'd violated her. River had skimmed over it but it hadn't escaped Mal's attention that she admitted her body had been, as she said, prepared to perform _any_ sexual act. Meaning any type a violation that they could think to visit on her body was done and probably with enough regularity to make her body used to it. So as to be performed without pesky hesitations of the flesh no doubt. How this was done he didn't want to know, but Buddha help him that it had been done at all made him want to howl. For his part Jayne worked to keep his face impassive, not wanting the others to see how affected he was by her words. In that moment he'd of gladly joined Mal in his quest to kill everyone who ever touched her.

"Zoe?" River asked finally. The first mates eyes snapped to hers, confusion momentarily clouding their depths before she realized River was prompting her to ask a question. Part of Zoe wanted to stop this, to put an end to the pain this was causing all of them. To keep this poor child from having to rip herself open and bleed in front of them for no good reason. But still, there was that little voice in the back of her head that whispered the same thing over and over. An insidious little voice that wouldn't go away no matter how much she ignored it. Then looking into River's eyes Zoe suddenly realized that River needed to purge herself of the answers, as much as _they_ needed to ask the questions.

"Did you know it was going to happen?" Zoe asked. River's eyes filled with the tears Zoe wouldn't let herself shed in front of the others. "No, I wish to God that I had. That I could have prevented it. I would gladly have given my life for his if I could have." River told her, her tone pleading for forgiveness. Zoe leaned across the table and took River's hand. "Wash loved you, he never blamed you for the actions of the alliance little one and neither do I." Zoe assured her. River sobbed out her relief as she gripped Zoe's hand. Mal stood and busied himself with making a large pot of tea, giving everyone time to compose themselves. So by the time he returned to the table with the pot and a tray of cups everyone was dry eyed and in control.

"Sir?" she asked turning her attention to Mal. Mal looked at her for a long moment before nodding. "Why did you hesitate to shoot me at the Maidenhead?" he asked. "It's kind of complicated. When I was triggered, in those first few seconds before the weapon took over the information about Miranda that I had inside me, incomplete though it was, flashed to the forefront of my mind. Likely because when they were embedding that particular subliminal command structure is when I accidenlyt read it from a member of parliament who was observing the procedure. In that split second it gave my consciousness, the part of me that's well _me_ a kick start to begin fighting the programming."

"When I saw Jayne I recognized him but couldn't make my body stop fighting, I could only control my eyes keeping my gaze on him hoping he would understand that I wasn't in control and that he had to shoot me. When he grabbed me instead I _did_ hear his voice and fight even harder not to hurt him but the weapon was too powerful to stop completely. The weapon wanted nothing more than to kill him, but I was able to gain enough control to only get free then knock him out. That little bit of control is also what allowed me to keep from pulling the trigger when we had those guns aimed at each other. I didn't want to hurt you and I could tell you didn't want to hurt me either. I honestly don't know if I could have held on much longer than I did, I was desperately trying to make my hand drop the gun." River told him honestly. "I could see you were fightin yourself, your eyes were beggin for help and your whole arm was shakin like you were wrestlin. I suppose you were." Mal said giving her a smile.

River smiled back at him before turning to Inara. "No, River there's nothing I need to know." Inara told her gently. River held her gaze for a long moment before nodding and looking toward Kaylee. "What about you?" she asked with an encouraging grin. "Tell me about your first kiss. You told me once you'd been kissed but couldn't make the words come out right to tell me the story." Kaylee replied smiling. "Alright, um _actually_ my first kiss was rather unconventional by most standards. I got my first kiss from a companion." River replied. Reaching for the teapot in the center of the table Inara exchanged a smiling glance with River. "Whoa, what about that whole no servicing crew rule a yours." Mal said shocked looking back and forth between the two of them. "Don't be ridiculous Mal, she didn't mean _me_. It's simply that I already knew that." Inara explained. "Wait you told 'Nara the story but you didn't tell me?" Kaylee asked sounding hurt. "No, actually I told Inara. Because my sister had been with a companion before I asked her to keep a look out for any notices put out by the guild to see if the alliance was trying to track us that way." Simon confessed. "So wait, when he says you've been with a companion he means you were _with_ one?" Zoe asked surprised.

"I think it would be easier to understand if I start at the beginning. Because of my level on intelligence regular schools couldn't cope with me. So my education was a mixture of free form schools for advanced students and tutors. I learned my lessons so quickly I had a lot of time on my hands. Idle hands may not be the devil's playground, as I don't believe in such a being but combined with a seeking mind and mischievous bent I got into plenty of trouble. Like when I stole my father's hover car and rewired the auto pilot to take me to the beach. Or when I uploaded a virus onto Simon's holographic transmitter so that when he gave a history report instead of images of historic figures it played half naked dancing girls instead." River told them causing every to burst out laughing. "So when I was about to turn fourteen my parents got the idea to send me away to school. My mother had gone to boarding school at the same age and they figured that the structure would do me good. Simon had moved out and was living in the dorm at Med cad so I didn't mind going away. We started looking for schools. Once I was accepted into the academy there were four months until the fall semester and my mother moved ahead with a plan of hers." River told them.

"You see when_ she_ went away to school, her second year at the age of fifteen she dated her first love and had sex with him. From what she told me it was a miserable experience that never got better and was so bad that when she fell in love with my father and agreed to marry him she tried to convince him to have a sexless marriage. It took a lot of work for her to be willing to try it again and even more work for her to relax enough to enjoy it. So she decided that rather than leave me to have a _similar_ experience she wanted me to apply to the Order of the Rose." She explained. "What's that?" Kaylee asked. "There is a specific type of companion whom teach female virgins how to embrace their sexuality and how to have sex. It's very exclusive, there is extensive background checks of the candidate and her family. There are physical and psychological exams done and an exhaustive interview process. The youngest a girl can be is fourteen, even then it's rare for anyone younger than sixteen to be accepted." Inara related.

"Why is it called the Order of the Rose?" Mal wondered. "Because it's said that the young woman who is mentored in the ways of love opens like a rose." Inara answered. "It's also more than just sex. Your taught to speak to others with confidence but not arrogance, to flirt, relationship and courtship basics. Also how not to go too far and avoid not going far enough. When one begins the training a pale pink rose bud is dyed onto your forehead. A symbol for all to see that you have entered the training and you are not ashamed of displaying your sexuality. When you reach the time to lose your virginity, there is a whole ritual involved including removing the rose bud and after having made the transition, before redressing you're bathed and the image of an open rose is dyed onto your forehead in it's place. This second mark is left to fade naturally over several weeks." River told them. Simon made a noise of distress bring attention to himself.

"I take it you weren't thrilled with your mei mei being…_opened_." Zoe commented with a smirk. "No, I thought she was too young but my parents ignored my concerns. I am glad that since you _did_ go through with it, despite my worry, that you weren't traumatized." Simon said. "It wasn't easy for you, knowing that someone was touching me. I truly don't know which day was harder for you. The first time you saw the bud on my forehead or the day it wasn't there anymore." River replied smiling. "Honestly, neither do I." Simon answered with a self depreciating laugh.

River looked across the table at the man who'd started it all. "Jayne?" she prompted when he didn't speak. Instead of asking a question or even saying a word Jayne stood and walked around the table until he was standing next to River. Reaching down he grasped each of her arms, wrapping his large hands around her upper arms; turning and lifting her up until she was kneeling on the chair facing him. River's mouth dropped open in a surprised squeak, her gaze darting to her brother. "Nu-uh, you ain't getting outta this eyes on me." Jayne warned giving her a small shake. River's eyes darted back to his, looking him in the eye. "Jayne what the hell are you doin, let go a her." Mal ordered his chair scraping across the floor as he stood. Jayne ignored him, his gaze keeping her eyes captured. "I want the truth now River, right here in front of everybody." Jayne said his voice pitched low and intimate yet strong enough for the others to hear every word.

"Late at night, when I'm movin inside you and you gasp out that you love me; do you mean it?" He asked intensity thrumming through his entire body. The world seemed to narrow to just the two of them as he waited the eternity is seemed to take her to answer. Inara's gasp of shock, Kaylee's squeal, Zoe's sharp in take of breath, the thud of Mal falling back into his chair and the crash of Simon dropping his mug didn't register; all that mattered was that her lips were moving. "_Every time_." River answered breathlessly.

Jayne let go of her arms only to slide his hands under her armpits and lift her up while he turned so she was sitting on the edge of the table with him standing between her legs. River wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him down so she could kiss him, her legs locking around his, holding him captive with her ankles against the backs of his knees. Jayne splayed on large hand across her lower back holding her to him, the other buried in her hair keeping her at the perfect angle for him to plunder her mouth. The crew stared at them in shock and disbelief while they ravaged each other.

The couple broke apart panting, Jayne pulling back just enough to smooth her hair down. "You planned this whole gorram thing, the pair a you." Mal accused outraged. "I planned it." Jayne said stepping back when River released him. River slid off the table and the two of them sat next to each facing the rest of the crew. "You're tellin me the_ psychic_ had no clue what you were doin?" Mal scoffed. "_Look_ with the exception of 'Nara and Kaylee you _all_ had these burnin questions plaguing you. 'Cept they weren't just plaguin _you_, there were plaguin River. Lost count a how many times she's agonized over those answers, needin to tell you but not havin a way to do it without people getting _bugged_ by her pickin thoughts outta their heads. So _yeah_, I came up with a way to lay it all out on the table where no one would blame her for shit she can't control." Jayne admitted. "I knew he was going to give me this chance but, his question completely blindsided me. I thought he was going to ask why I sliced him across the chest that time." River confessed. "I was, but hell we had to tell everyone anyway and this seemed too good an opportunity to waste." Jayne told her with a shrug.

"How did _this_ even happen?" Zoe asked moving a hand back and forth between them. "Gradually. From the start we were both _physically_ attracted to each other but the whole under aged and crazy thing made any desire to act on it nil. On _both_ sides. We didn't trust each other, then after everything that happened I got myself back and we learned to trust. You all watched us become friends, we just didn't let you see the rest." River responded. "Yeah like you lettin me pin you durin sparrin so's you could kiss me that first time." Jayne piped up grinning at her. "You were already chasing me bàng jiār*, I just let myself be caught." She teased. "How long?" Simon asked wearily. "Since we each knew we wanted to be with the other, a few months. Since we acted on it has only been a month." River confessed.

"Couldn't you have come up with a less crude way to ask her if she loves you? You know what never mind, look who I'm asking." Inara said shaking her head with a slight smile. "I don't like secrets and folks sneakin around behind my back on my own gorram boat. So Jayne you got septic duty next three months. River, you get to change every dirty diaper Zoe here don't want to for the next month, you got that?" Mal ordered. "Yes sir." River replied promptly. "Whatever you say Cap." Jayne answered figuring he was getting off light. "It's just so shiny, you bein in love. Maybe you'll get married!" Kaylee exclaimed bouncing in her seat. "My mister would a loved this." Zoe said shaking her head with a grin. "_Simon_?" River asked. "I wish you'd been honest with me, but if your happy…" he trailed off in answer to her silent question. "I am." River assured him. "Then so am I. Oh, and _Jayne_ if you break my sisters heart I know five different ways to boil a man from the inside out and never leave a trace." Simon threatened his voice mild but his eyes conveying his seriousness.

"Got it loud and clear." Jayne said swallowing hard. "Good." Simon said standing as the crew all started drifting toward their bunks. Soon only River and Jayne remained. "That went better than I thought it could." River commented climbing to her feet. "Sure did darlin, can't wait to see how they take the rest of the news." He said placing his hand low on her stomach. "It'll be another month before Simon's tests will be able to confirm it. So they'll have some time to recover." River assured him with a chuckle. "We're gonna have to get Mal to make for my home moon. If I get married and my Ma ain't there she'll never forgive me." Jayne said pulling her close.

"I don't recall agreeing to get married." River said looking up at him. "Hell yea, we're gettin married. No kid a _mine_ is bein born without me bein married to it's Ma. Now why the hell ain't you agreed to it?" Jayne asked defensively. "Because you haven't asked me yet." She turned mildly. "Oh, yeah sorry. Um River, I love ya more than anythin in the verse, even more than Vera. So you wanna get hitched?" Jayne asked flushing. "Yes, I will bao bei." River answered grinning. "Good." Jayne replied before giving her a quick kiss. The pair parted and headed for their bunk. "You ain't gonna tell no one I got all soppy right?" Jayne asked worriedly. "Of course not." River soothed as she headed down the ladder. Nodding in satisfaction Jayne followed her down. 'Yup,' he thought. 'It's a damn good night to be me.' "You best be nekkid when I get down there ni zi." Jayne called down as he disappeared into their bunk.

Translations

Bàng jiār: lover/partner


End file.
